*exhales*
Ever heard of a “taboo word”?
A taboo word is a word (or phrase) that is considered offensive or inappropriate in certain social contexts. These words, when used in certain settings, can rub people the wrong way or make them uneasy.
Wanna know what my taboo word is? Disappointment
Yep, that’s the one. That’s the word that makes me squirm, makes me nauseous, and makes me cringe.
I know I brought this word up in a past posting, but we didn’t really dive into it. So, let’s take a ride for a minute, shall we?
Through therapy, I learned that disappointment was at the root of my control issues. Yes, I am a recovering control freak.
*exhales in violent tongues*
See, I have a very extensive imagination, I dream BIG, in color, with lights, and sound. So usually somewhere between my dreams and reality, I’ve created a full play by play on how a situation will go. This includes life events, relationships, career aspirations, school, etc; This tends to get me into trouble a lot.
Here’s what usually happens: I go into a new scenario, with these very large, perfect, dreamt up expectations. I don’t communicate my expectations fully to the parties that need to hear them, because of course they can read my mind. DUH. I then get served with a dose of reality, and my feelings
are deeply hurt. Then what do I do? POUT. CRY. And scream, HOW COULD THEY JUST
DROP ME LIKE THAT?
You go from that phase, to the “Woe is me” phase, to my personal favorite, “It won’t happen again, ‘cause I got it”. This is where control comes in. You over prepare, you over plan, and you don’t leave room for
anyone else to help you with what you need. Why? Because last time you let “so and so” help, they didn’t meet your standards, and you were… disappointed. So, you’ve decided that you’re never going to find yourself hurt like that again.
But what if God is the one that’s trying to take control? What if He wants to do the planning for you, to bring you into His perfect will?
The other day, I was at our church’s women’s conference. First, I still need to process everything that happened during the conference, because the Lord was heavy in my business. Anyhow, during one of the day sessions, we addressed the issues of grief and chronic disappointment. Sugga, when I tell
you Big Mama was hyperventilating, weeping, nauseous, wailing and sliding down
the wall?!? I just couldn’t take it.
Once I finally calmed down, I grabbed my handy dandy journal and went to my wailing wall. *chuckles*
You know what the Lord said to me so very sweetly? “Its okay to dream, I want you to… But I want you to desire, what I desire for you.” He said some more things, but at that point another wave of soft tears poured out while I whimpered quietly. He validated the fact that it was okay to dream, but at no point had I run my expectations or desires past Him; just ran into the field of flowers with my imagination. And you know what, there were even some instances where I felt like I did get the “ok” from Him to move forward, but did I continue to ask Him for direction? Of course not. I had my “Yes”, and that’s all I wanted to hear.
I just love how we ask God to step into our plans after the fact, instead of continuing to seek His face for direction.
*Wild Behavior*
Idk, maybe its just me.
Talk soon,
Racq