Whew Lord Hammercy!
The fifth blog, the blog of grace if you will. *chuckling*
A few Sundays ago, I heard one of our network pastors, Pastor Courtney say, “Obedience to God is not glamourous, but it is glorious.”. That thing sat on me so badly, chile. Because my “YES” to God, has me looking like Wanda from Holiday Heart most days, but then there’s an unexplainable level of peace surrounding me. AND He has constantly proven to be faithful to me, even in the smallest things.
Ya’ll these last 5 weeks have literally tossed me between the washer, dryer, the fridge and the sank. (I know how I spelled it; I need you to hear my voice)
Let me just say, my church began a 30-day consecration on January 6th and on day one, my Savior & I were in a tussle. TUSSLE. He ripped the band aid off me so badly, that I just… I couldn’t even
scream about it; I was just in shock.
See usually, its not until about week 2 of a fast that God comes to sit on my bed to have a very in-depth conversation, and THEN I go into violent tongues. Nah sugga, that ain’t what happened.
Day ONE, I stayed in bed all day. From about 7am-3 pm, I went between crying, praying, and sleeping like a rhythm, it was almost systematic. I’d wake up and immediately go back into my conversation with the Lord about this thing, because there’s just NO way you expect me to walk through this. Then you want me to do it, without the help of the cinnamon roll ministry? AHT.
I don’t need anything else on my plate, and THIS, come on man… COME. ON.
But every time I got quiet, He responded, and I’d shed more tears. I’d yell some more, get quiet, He’d respond again, ever so gently. He let me know very quickly that though this portion of the journey wouldn’t be an easy one, He wasn’t going to leave me by myself.
So, the next day, I started walking out the first step. I made the one decision, that I said I wouldn’t be able to do, the one I said I’d never have the strength to do. I did it, and it was as if God sat right next to
me at my kitchen table, holding my hand, coaching me through breaths to get it done.
*Tears falling as I’m typing*
When I was finished with the task, I’m pretty sure I went numb. I sat in silence for the longest time. I finally found the strength to type a text to about 5 people to pray, I ate and went to bed.
*exhales*
I replayed this thing in my mind, on loop. I couldn’t think about anything else for days. But by that Friday, I started to feel like I could breathe and said “Okay, every day won’t be painful”.
By Sunday, I was in service, wailing like they had just closed the casket. I purposely didn’t do my hair, I didn’t put on makeup, cause I KNEW I was about to be sobbing and in violent, ugly, tongues. (And I was) But when I tell you, my Pastor got in that pulpit and said the very thing that my Savior had been dealing with me about all week long?!? THE very thing.
*Wild Behavior*
My eyes got so big, and I was trying to keep my mouth closed, but my jaw was on the floor.
Suddenly, I didn’t feel crazy. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like I had overreacted, and I no longer felt like I missed God. He made sure that by the time I left the sanctuary, I wouldn’t have anymore questions. It was almost as if the Lord grabbed the mic and said, “Ya’ll are excused for a minute, I need to talk to my daughter.”
I ran out of that service to screen record the clip and sent it to those same 5 friends that I texted
earlier in the week. And one responded, “I have never seen somebody be tried, delivered, and healed in the same week”. We laughed, BUT IT WAS TRUE!
*Exhale again*
That took a little more out of me than I thought, but I’ll BRB cause you gotta hear part two.
Talk soon,
Racq