Alrightyyyy, you’re all caught up on the last episode of my saga, right?
*If not, run back to last week so this part will make a little more sense*
Let’s get back on the Sunday morning experience I told you about.
Once I got done snotting, and sliding down the wall in my favorite corner, I grabbed my journal. The Lord very quickly said to me, “You’re going to experience waves of healing. When it comes, just release it”.
Ya’ll, *violent eye roll*, wavesss of healing?!? Bruh, my eyes are still burning from the rivers of tears I’ve cried this week, and we not done? IS THAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO ME?
I very quickly caught an attitude, but in the same moment, I exhaled and said “okay”.
I’m learning that healing is not something that happens in a day, in one setting, and it certainly will not happen exactly how you see it in your mind. So, by the time the “excitement” of God confirming His word wore off, cause it will wear off sugga… I then was left to feel. GROSS.
I fully had the confirmation that I wasn’t wrong in my decision, in my obedience, and yet there was this underlying feeling of, “Why did you do that sis?”. Once again, I wasn’t in control and I didn’t know what awaited me on the other side of THIS “yes”; Man, I still don’t know if we’re being very honest.
Anyhow, over the next few weeks the tears came, the waves crashed into me at the most seemingly inconvenient moments, and I had to breathe through it like I was in labor. Mind you, I’m still on the fast during this, so I can’t eat the pain away, I can’t drink the pain away, any vice was fully ripped out of me… I had to feel this.
*Wild Behavior*
Then the big wave came. 21 days after I made the decision, after I walked out obedience, after I said “yes” to God’s will, I. LOST. IT.
I got up that morning and headed to a coffee shop as I normally do, to get work done. I was productive for a bit, but this underlying scream was boiling in my body. I decided to pack up my belongings, place them in the car, and go for a walk. (If you know me, you know a walk is highly therapeutic) Baby, I may have made it a quarter of a mile, sat down, and I felt my blood pressure rising by the second. I quickly headed back to my car, I opened my mouth, and all the words came flying out.
All the things I had been holding back, all the things I didn’t want to say to God, all the things that I was angry about, all the things that were breaking my very soul came launching out my body like a missile. Before I knew it, I was screaming in my car while tears fell. This lasted for about 45 minutes, and part of me hoped that nobody saw me, the other part no longer cared.
My screams turned into prayer, and suddenly I started breathing better. I calmed down, and by the end of it I was laughing while balled up tissue laid in my passenger seat.
It was in that moment that I remembered that God never asked me to hold my feelings in. He gave me advanced notice that there would be waves of healing, but I wouldn’t open my mouth to allow room for Him to come in and do the work. I also, again, must give myself grace because I’m walking out a NEW part of this journey, and healing will not happen overnight.
Let’s just say, at this point, I tell God all my business.*chuckles* But that’s all He wanted anyways.
So, When’s the last time you told God how you really feel about all of it?
Talk soon,
Racq