Whew Sugga, we will need to take a deep breath very quickly.
*inhales*
*exhales*
Okay boom, so I’m single right.
It has been a year since I’ve "been in a relationship"… (the timing of this posting is actually very interesting, but praise be unto God who causes us to triumph).
Ya’ll… there are about 30498754 emotions that come with me discussing that season of my life, so a lot of times I just choose to avoid the questions, comments or concerns that find their way into my dms or text messages. You know… folks mean well, it’s just overwhelming when multiple people are asking questions, and you’re already in an emotional place. You're processing, healing, and sometimes you really want to be left alone, but that's not always an option.
Ehh, maybe its just me.
Since my breakup, I went on a date with one person and quickly had to cut it off, because I realized how unhealed I was. For starters, I didn't even have the bandwith to discover if I even truly liked the person. I was triggered, I was hurt, I was trying to fill a void, and I was just really really sad.
Ya’ll know the phrase, “Well, the best way to get over one is to…”, yeah that wasn’t the case this time. It was clear that I wouldn’t be able to just cry for a week, watch Waiting to Exhale, eat some ice cream and
move on with my life. I thought this was a forever type of situation, so when “forever” ended I was stuck. I’ve been forced to feel the emotions, discover the root of some things, and detox…everything. (That’s a whole other conversation, maybe I’ll put it in the book)
When something like this comes to an end, not only do you assess the cause of the ending, but you analyze your part in the demise of it.
Questions like, “What did I do?”, “How could I have handled that better?”, “Why couldn’t we make it work?”, or “Was it me?”. That last question will have you spiraling in a portal of rejection and despair, that only Jesus can get you out of, ask me how I know.
Anyhow...Wanna know one of the areas of my life that has been affected behind this? Music.
I’m so mad.
I’m a music girlie, okay?!? I love all types of genres, people come to me for playlists. All you have to do is give me the “vibe” or “mood” and I’ll have you a full list queued up.
But baby ask me the last time I’ve been able to sit through a full R&B playlist about love, and “how much you love somebody”? AHT. Can’t take it. CANNOT TAKE IT. *laughs*
I have walked clear out of rooms where music was playing about being in love, because I would almost be nauseous. Like I’m an SWV girlie to my soul, but “Weak” came on once and I politely went to the bathroom. Coko was telling my story, and I was sliding down the wall, couldn’t take it. The words made sense to me all of a sudden.
*wild behavior*
And you know what most people say? “Girl, your husband is on the way, your true love is coming, just watch he’ll show up when you least expect it”. Baby, I love that, but today I am crying. Today Big Mama is SAD, and I need to feel all of this so I can get it out my body.
But walking through the last few months, I learned something really amazing.
Singleness is truly a gift. It is the one season of your life, where you are, “free to move about the cabin”, in the words of T. Blythers. You can travel, you can explore, you can learn about YOU, and beloved, you can heal. Once you get into a relationship, you are charged with considering the other person’s feelings, etc. It is no longer just about you; you take on their things too. I don’t know about ya’ll, but when I’m in a relationship, I AM INVESTED. Whatever you have going on matters to me, what concerns you, concerns me. Baby, whatever battles you're fighting I'm in the ring too...And I just don’t have the capacity to be that invested, not right now. Because I'm in recovery.
So as much as I would love to date, or have a romantic companion, I must be aware of where I am. And today, Racquel needs space, she needs to cry, she needs to be able to feel, and to not be triggered. I'm certainly in a more healed space today than I was, but wisdom is still necessary.
*exhales with tears*
So, I’m now having conversations with God about dating... Again. Chile, Ghetto. Because there’s this underlying fear of disappointment (there goes our word), that makes me say… “Aht. I’ll just watch my shows, unbothered.”. The fear of being hurt will have you in the house with some cats, but baby I do
not like cats.
The crazy part? Even with all that I’ve experienced, and the tears that I’ve shed, there’s still a part of me that wants to love again. And I mean "cooking with a smile" kind of love. A "let's go for a ride with some music", kind of love. "Laughing until our sides hurt, and we're the only ones that get it", kind of love. I'm excited about the idea of "my man, my man, my man"., again. And when that time comes, it'll be so very beautiful. A love story that only God could craft.
But I’m skedddddd.
We’ll see.
Talk soon,
Racq